Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are dirty, little liars. Not only did they disappoint me growing up, but they’ve disappointed me now as an adult!
For years as a tween I watched their movies, waiting for the day when I would go on vacation with friends and meet cute boys to have adventures with. Well, it never happened for tweenage Jenn and now in Sydney, Australia, it hasn’t happened for 20-something Jenn either.
Before I went to Sydney, I had to properly prepare so I watched the Olsen twin classic, “Our Lips Are Sealed.” For those of you who aren’t O twin obsessed, this is the one where the girls witness a crime and are put in the Witness Protection Program. They are sent to Sydney and, in typical Olsen twin fashion, have the time of their lives. They meet cute boys, have fun adventures, overpower the Queen Bee. It really is classic Mary-Kate and Ashley.
But there is a lot of stuff that happens in the movie that I was expecting to happen to me in Australia. And guess what? Not a SINGLE bit of it happened. Here’s what the Olsen twins told me to expect…and what REALLY occurred.
1. I would throw a boomerang and be surprisingly good at it on the first try.
I didn’t even SEE a boomerang in Sydney. Not even in the souvenir shops. And I sure as hell didn’t throw one surprisingly well on my first try either. Damn you, Mary-Kate!
2. I would meet a cute surfer boy and climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge with him.
This is an iconic scene in the movie. The girls, with their cute blonde pig tails, climb the famous harbor bridge followed by two surfer boys with the opera house as their backdrop. I couldn’t WAIT for my bridge climb moment in Sydney.
But of course, you guessed it, I didn’t meet a single cute surfer boy in Sydney. Again, dirty, rotten twins those Olsens are!
Although I did climb the Sydney Harbor Bridge by myself (and by “myself” I mean in a tour group). And really, who needs cute surfer bros anyway, amirite!?
The Olsen twins also lied that it would be pretty! And failed to mention Sydney’s notorious spring rains. The Bridge Climb was one of the more miserable experiences I’ve had in my life.
I went into the building with bright blue skies and by the time we reached the outdoor portion of our climb, it was raining sideways so hard that you couldn’t even see the harbor. No, seriously. If you even glanced up from your feet, you were pelted in the face with rain. It felt like Chinese water torture. Our guide looked more like he was leading Navy SEALs into a mission than a tour to the top of the harbor bridge. It rained so hard that my jeans stained my legs blue!
If you’re considering the Bridge Climb, don’t waste your money by doing it on a rainy day. Sure, it’s a cool experience, but at $313 AUD, it’s not exactly worth it when you can’t even see anything and you’re so cold all you think is, “Is this ever going to end?”
3. I would hang with a potato chip eating kangaroo named Boomer.
That dang kangaroo in the movie is so cute (and looks just like my golden retriever, Lucy!). But sadly, I did not see a single potato chip eating kangaroo in Sydney.
But I did take far too many photos of these wallabies at the Taronga Zoo which I THOUGHT were kangaroos. Turns out, there’s a difference.
This is an actual kangaroo at the zoo. They were lazy and they sure as hell didn’t eat potato chips or binge watch TV.
4. I would witness a surf competition between two surf gangs and may be forced to participate if someone gets hurt.
I did see a surf competition while at Bondi Beach in Sydney, but it wasn’t between two rival high school surf gangs. It was slightly more formal than that. Also, I didn’t get on a surfboard or look as cute as the O twins in their beachwear.
But I did do the Bondi to Coogee coastal walk! This beachfront trail takes you along the beaches of Sydney from Bondi Beach to Coogee Beach. The entire trip is roughly 3.5 miles along an easy trail and it takes about two hours in total. I was so tired by the end, you would have thought I had been on a surfboard all day!
5. I would have a montage running through the Sydney Harbor.
Nope. No montage here! But I did blast my headphones to “Pumpin’ Blood” by NONONO while I dodged selfie stick wielding tourists in Circular Quay (the ferry docks in the harbor). Seriously, between the food and wine festival that was happening and a cruise ship with more than 5,000 people docked in the harbor, I would not have been able to have my cute MK & A-esque montage. So, I will let this one slide.
And let this be a lesson for you to stay away from the harbor. Obviously while in Sydney you should go down to Circular Quay and see the harbor bridge and opera house. But this is the mostly densely populated tourist area I have EVER seen. Only staying in Circular Quay in Sydney is like going to New York and never leaving Times Square. It’s filled with pushy tourists. Seriously, I saw more Chinese tourists than I saw actual Australians. So get outside the harbor and check out other parts of Sydney like Paddington, Bondi and Surry Hills.
6. I would quickly pick up Aussie slang like brekkie.
Not a single person referred to breakfast as brekkie while I was in Sydney! Ashley Olsen looked so cool rattling off all that slang in the movie and I’m really disappointed I didn’t get my turn.
Actually, that’s not true. I did learn some new words! I laughed way too hard on my bridge climb when the tour guide referred to a water fountain as a “bubbler.” It also took me a second when a mom at the zoo referred to her stroller as a “pram.”
7. I would attend a hip yacht party.
Come on, this one I really wanted to happen for me! But nope, not a single Queen Bee in sight to invite me on her daddy’s yacht for a dance party.
But I did take the ferry to the Taronga Zoo across the harbor and had some amazing views of the Sydney skyline. Even if you don’t go into the actual zoo itself (it’s $42 AUD if you buy tickets online), the ferry ride is well worth it. Turning around and looking back at the Sydney Opera House sparkling in the morning sun was absolutely breathtaking. I really didn’t like Sydney until that moment on the ferry. Even though the ferry ride ends with zoo animals instead of cute boys with jetskis like the Olsens had, it’s still worth the trip!
I didn’t love Sydney as a city. Was it my extreme exhaustion and jetlag? Or maybe it was the constant spring rain showers. Maybe it was that I only had 72 hours. Or maybe it was those damn Olsen twins setting me up for failure with all their false hope of cute boys and Australian adventures. We may never know.